The Tub O' Lard at the End of the Rainbow

At Disneyland, USA, you'll find go-karts near the entrance. They are intended for use by disabled guests to ease their access to the parks. That noble goal helps to keep Disneyland "the happiest place on earth" for everybody. Some of the carts, though, seem to be a little . . . large. Funny, 'cos so do the guests who use them.

It's time for ever-broadening America to realize that "fat" is not a disability. It's a nuisance. They people who ride those carts have to transfer every time they enter an attraction, which takes time. Which means more people wait longer in line. And if the guest is particularly rotund, they make sitting near them uncomfortable at best and repulsive in general. (Note: if you are only slightly overweight, have a disease limiting your mobility, or are pregnant, I'm not talking about you.) I once saw a guest who was stuck fast after his ride was over and had to be prised out by cast members. It took ten minutes to unload that train, rather than the thirty seconds it should take.

There are more problems with "fatness". If a fat person rides a city bus, he or she takes up two seats. With a seated walker, a wheelchair, or a personal shopping cart, he or she takes up four. But guess what: they paid for only one. And if they're over sixty, or have managed to invent a disability, they've paid for only half of one. And for every seat they take, one more person has to stand. Maybe we should all gain 300 lbs so we can get our money's worth, too. (Once again, if you have a genuine disability which requires you to use a wheelchair, I am not talking about you.)

Bottom line: use your imagination: what happens when a scarcity is created? The prices go up. Fat people are effectively driving up fares.

Drive My Car

The largest number of automobile accidents are the fault of young drivers. Everybody knows that, courtesy of the federal government. But what about the second largest -- senior citizens? We never hear anything about them. Although more laws go into effect every year limiting the rights and privileges of young drivers, the concern with the elderly driving has remained largely unaddressed.

Currently (at least in CA), there is no maximum age to drive or to be licensed. There is a (slightly) more frequent renewal requirement, and a few unenforced advisories to elderly drivers and their families. Conversely, young drivers find themselves having to weigh the benefits of driving against the time, the trouble, and the hassle it takes them. Besides that, youth pay insurance premiums heavy enough to break them -- or their parents.

The main problem with teen drivers is their inexperience. For most elderly drivers, the main problem is failing health. Eyesight, hearing, judgment, reflexes, and mental capacity (e.g. memory) all start failing after a certain point -- which can be as early as 35! Additionally, many older adults take prescription medications, which can further impair driving ability. There's no "zero tolerance" for old people!

If the government is not afraid to dish it out to teens, they shouldn't hesitate to give it to grandparents -- or anyone else who needs it. Limit the hours they drive. Require more rigorous and frequent testing. Insist on regular doctor reports and medical examinations to keep a license. Set zero tolerance laws: prescription medications can be every bit as dangerous as alcohol. And nothing says old people don't drink!

Bottom line: respect for the elderly doesn't mean ignoring the problems they create. Respect them on the sidewalk, and insist that they earn the right to be respected on the street.

Happy and ... Gay

Not too long ago a San Diego newspaper ran a story about an usher at a ballgame who asked two lesbians to stop kissing, because they were disturbing some other fans. They were quite offended at this request. One comment published discussed how "everyday events can become traumatizing, because people think they have to stare or say something." (my paraphrase)

What the hell is wrong with these people? Trauma? Because somebody stares at you? Get over it. If you are going to do something that could possibly be considered offensive or even just unusual, you had better grow a thicker skin in a hurry. No, being stared at does not cause trauma. No.

If you want people to like you and accept you, stop making such a fuss over every little thing. Remember that saw about flies and vinegar? You'll catch more with honey. Same principle applies.

Bottom line: get a freakin' life!